PLEASE DON’T HATE ME.
The break between April and now (November) has been long and unexpected. I think it was subconsciously intentional. Life gets difficult, you get blind-sided, people fuck you over, you loose friends, and you need some time to understand the proper ways to tackle things in a healthy matter. I made the decision to stop going to therapy because I’ve learned how to deal with my emotions and anxiety in several different ways. One way, was to start writing how I feel in my journal like I normally did; Another way, was to take a step back to understand why I think the way I do. Then, I added regular exercise and vocal lessons, which have been a comfort throughout my life. Although some say I’ve progressed, I still see a long road ahead of me and of course I chose to be completely vague about it.
I’ve had to reread where I last left off and I think it was the two job rejections. I was incredibly crushed at that time. I’ve always felt the only thing consistent in my life was my career, not friends, not work, but my vision of a career. That vision has been revised several times and now it’s exactly what I want to be. I have two jobs now, one as a receptionist at a news station (where I’m writing this now) and the other is at a community college as a writing center tutor.
The news station job, I can’t discuss much, other than it’s my favorite out of the two jobs I have. I have my own desk; I’ve learned about digital sales, marketing, commercials, and digital journalism. The marketing side of news production is more significant than it takes credit for. Anyway, I’m trying to become a full-time employee with them. In my interview at the station, I specifically stated I wasn’t looking for a temporary job. I said this was a stepping stone into my journalism career and I guess that was the line that got me hired. I interact with the sales/marketing professionals, whom are funniest and caring individuals I’ve ever met.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to eventually teach at a college level and my intentions with the writing center job was to gain experience in teaching, however, I’ve lost my passion for it. I feel like
I’m only doing it for the money to pay for my loan at this point. The first four months I was inspired and now, I’m self- critical and I’ve seem to push work boundaries. By boundaries, I mean in regards to clocking in early to leave early and I’ve overshared too much personal information with co-workers. I shouldn’t be discussing my life issues in depth at the writing center front desk.
What also doesn’t help is having co-workers I really admire. I told myself when I started this position, “I’m only coming to work to work and not make friends,” and now it’s getting harder to leave. My grandfather would always say “there are no friends in this world, friends don’t matter,” which is the same philosophy my mom tells me even as a twenty-five year old woman. Understanding this as an adult, I feel that you have to be willing to make risks on who turns out to be a temporary friend or someone you can confide in and it terrifies me. Sometimes, I think this would’ve been easier if I didn’t let my wall down. They really don’t understand how they came into my life at a time where I needed someone. So, the feeling is probably not mutual.
Our routine has changed anyways because there’s new people being added to our shifts My co worker was so easy to drop me due to a new employee we hired. I guess that’s what you should expect when you have guy friends/co-workers. They’re more impulsive when you put a potential love interest into the equation. I just wasn’t expecting this so fast.
So I might be on the search for a new job before the end of this year. Let’s just hope I make it through tutoring halfheartedly this semester or I get offered a full time job at the news station. As you can see I’m emotionally/ mentally exhausted from my high expectations of where I would be in life by now and people disappointing me, but like my therapist once said, “the only only way out of it is through it.” It really sucks because one of my coping mechanisms is to drop people out of nowhere. Like I mentioned to a co worker “when things get hard I quit.” I quit people so easily, but at least I’m trying to take those risks. At nineteen, it was easy to do that. At twenty-five, apparently you can’t run from your problems or people, as desperately as I wish I could.